There are multiple theories on cultivating a happy relationship with your partner, as there is no one-size-fits-all solution. This perspective is just one of many – it may resonate with you or not. Approach it with an open mind, and you might discover something valuable:
When we observe a child, they sometimes behave in unfair and shockingly unusual ways. For example, they scream at the person who is looking after them, angrily push away a dish of their favourite food, throw away something you've just got for them, etc. But instead of getting personally agitated or wounded by their unusual behaviour, we try to soothe them, distract them, and calmly try another tactic. Our egos remain intact, and we don't get offended.
Ever wondered why?
The reason is simple: we don't attribute negative motives to a small child. Rather than assuming they want to hurt us, we seek generous interpretations of their actions. Perhaps they are tired, their gums are sore, or they're upset about a new sibling.
This is exactly the opposite of what happens around our life partners when they frustrate us. Here, in an instant, we shout, sulk, suspect, or complain. Instead of interpreting generously, we imagine purposeful stupidity and evil. During challenging moments, our assumptions go directly toward them doing something deliberately to hurt us or make us feel bad. We assume that the person who every day chooses to spend the rest of their life together with you, instead of assuming that behaviour has some other reason, we assume the worst.
If we try to be generous while interpreting with our partner, our first assumption about their unusual behaviours would be quite different. "You're an idiot!" might mean "I feel you don’t care about my feelings", or "You just don't get it, do you?" might mean "I'm terrified and frustrated that I can't explain myself". Maybe they did that annoying or hurtful thing because they didn't sleep well last night, and are too exhausted to think straight. Maybe they had a bad day, or they are just feeling lonely.
Let's consider some real-life situations and compare how we ideally deal with a child versus how we typically handle similar situations with an adult partner:
Situation | Ideally, what happens when we are dealing with a kid? | Mostly, what happens when we are dealing with an adult? |
The person is getting angry/cranky with you | He/She must be tired or hungry | We feel hurt or bad. |
They keep doing the same things even after saying no multiple times. | We often forgive, let it go, and accept that this is the nature of the kid. And try to cater to that for the next time. | We get angry/disappointed. |
They treat you unfairly | It’s okay, something must be going on. | This is not fair. Why does he/she do this to us? We don’t deserve this. |
Not listening | Request or ask him/her to listen | Felt ignored and hurt. Get’s upset. Stop expressing your opinion. |
Not fulfilling your wishes/expectations | Will forgive and forget after some time. | Keep it inside, keep remembering yourself and getting upset. |
Fights/Arguments | Laughing in the next moment. | Blame one another, not talk for long periods. |
Did something even after you told them not to | Will try to understand why he/she did it. Make them sit and explain why you said no. | Take it personally. |
Adopting this perspective requires patience and moments of pause. And even after adopting such a perspective, and seeing your partner's behaviour with such a point of view, their behaviour doesn't magically become nice or acceptable, but it does help. Instead of getting agitated or wounded, we can be compassionate and understanding.
Of course, it is easier said than done. We all know that it's much harder to be kind around a grown-up’s child-like parts than to an actual child. It is easy to be noticeably patient and forgiving with children because we can see how little and undeveloped a toddler or five-year-old is and, so compassion comes naturally.
But we need to look beyond the adult surface of our partner and imagine the fear, turmoil, disappointment, worry, and sheer confusion in them. They might appear strong and grown-up from outside but at times, they aren't so much.
Now that you grasp the essence of this theory, the next step is to put it into practice. Take a trip down memory lane by finding the earliest photo of both you and your partner, ideally from the age of 5-7. Choose the cutest ones and place them in a photo frame. Like this:
Put the frame where both of you can see it regularly. During challenging moments, a brief glance at the frame may serve as a reminder that you're sometimes dealing with that cute kid in the photo, not just the grown-up version. This visual cue might help you pause and look at your partner with compassion, fostering a more generous interpretation of their behavior.
It doesn't have to be a frame, the key is to regularly look at your partner's childhood picture. Any medium will work – whether it's a phone wallpaper or a contact display picture. Anything that serves as a reminder of the child-within works.
(Note: Once you understand the concept, the idea works for anyone, so don't limit it just to your partner.)
The idea is inspired by The School of Life.
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